Archive for things that go boomp in the night

Since my banner promises survival tips

Posted in Agressive cryptozoology with tags , , on February 17, 2009 by bradellison

There are many, many kinds of undead.  Vampires?  Brother, there are things classified as vampires in the folklore of virtually every culture on this Earth, and the methods of inhuming them vary widely.  Jade knives, running water, iron nails through the forehead…

Listen.  You think ramming a stake into a revenant’s chest will make it explode into powder like on TV?  When the Final Night descends upon us, Joss Whedon’s irresponsible fiction will surely be the cause of many deaths.  You may need a particular kind of wood for the stake.  You know how hard it is to penetrate the breastbone?  Accurately target the heart?  Forget what you saw in Pulp Fiction, for starters, because Uma Thurman’s character only survives because they miss the heart.  Are you prepared to deal with a rotten corpse with a stake through it?  Because that dust thing happens only because a) Dracula was centuries old, and that’s a lot of decay to catch up to a man all at once and he probably faked his own death anyway, and b) Joss Whedon wanted to neatly sidestep body-disposal issues in his teen superhero TV show.  Do you need to sever the head?  Can you sever the head?  The stake originated as a means of pinning the vampire to the earth, not destroying him.  Have you taken that into account?

And then there’s the Jiang Shi, and the Loogaroo, the Strix and the Old Hag  and Camazotz, the bhuta and the aswang and the penanggalan.  You think garlic can be relied upon to repulse a disembodied head trailing its entrails from its own neck stump?  Can you stake a thing that takes off its skin and becomes a ball of fire in the night?  What does a 17th-century Chinese aristocrat care for the crucifix or the Host?

That fancy Victorian vampire kit you just paid five thousand dollars for on eBay is gonna be worth doodly-squat when the Aztec Lord of Bats comes perching on your bed.  And it was probably a forgery anyway.

Luckily, there’s a simple way to dispatch almost anything.  A method nigh-universal across human civilization, the sure-fire effective last-ditch problem-solver that can put an end to all contagion.  And it’s cheap and easy to get.

Burn that mother to the ground.

Yes sir, there is virtually no undead creature, entity, or personage, or for that matter any dead creature, or alive creature, or never-born shambling vegetable horror or what have you, that cannot be thoroughly sorted out by a careful application of fire.  Reduce ’em to ash.  It will kill vampires.  It will kill werewolves.  It will kill witches.  It will probably kill wendigo. It will sever the bonds between spirits and this mortal plane. It will kill the hell out of mummies, since the mummification process basically reduces them to clean-burning fragrant tinder anyway.  Just ask the railway engineers who used to use them as fuel.  Okay, that one’s just a myth that started out as a Mark Twain joke, but by thunder, the point stands.

Yes, fire will kill just about anything, whether it was dead already or not.

Ditch the garlic rosaries and silver bullets.

Stock up on kerosene.