Archive for the Agressive cryptozoology Category

Urban Legends: How we make sense out of a world gone mad

Posted in Agressive cryptozoology, Religion, Stuff I think is cool with tags , on April 30, 2009 by bradellison

This is an old article, but I assure you it’s well worth reading:

Myths Over Miami

Captured on South Beach, Satan later escaped. His demons and the horrible Bloody Mary are now killing people. God has fled. Avenging angels hide out in the Everglades. And other tales from children in Dade’s homeless shelters.

What a grim world it must be, where the idea of God hiding out while His angels lurk in the Everglades after the Devil overran Heaven is a comfort, eh?  Angels, demons, black magic, pagan gods, benevolent spirits of the beloved dead, all built into a coherent mythology by children, and passed by them, with amazingly little information breakdown, all across the country.  This is the kind of thing that interests me.

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Your daily dose of oddities

Posted in Agressive cryptozoology, Stuff I think is cool with tags , , , , , on April 2, 2009 by bradellison

Boston school is definitely not infested with vampires.  Seriously.  No vampires here at all, no sir.  Remember, any of you out there in internet-land reading from the Boston area: fire.  Fire, and lots of it, with blessed sacramental wafers and hawthorn stakes and silver crucifixes as backup.  And if you want to be thorough, load a double-barreled shotgun with one Dragonsbreath shell and one shell loaded with a mix of wooden and silver rosary beads, blessed and preferably soaked for some time in holy water, with maybe a little garlic powder thrown in for good measure.

Advertising is an odd business.  Self-advertising on a shoestring budget, that’s odder still.

Little Red Riding Hood, stats version.  Having seen a fairy tale redressed as a presentation, I now kind of want to see a Powerpoint set converted into a fable.  Somebody should get to work on that.

The Benny Hillifier.  For all your replacing-a-video’s-original-audio-with-“Yakety-Sax” needs.

Some  more customized My Little Ponies.  I note with absolutely no surprise that a disproportionate number of them are Johnny Depp characters.  That there should be overlap between Pony enthusiasts and Depp fans seems natural and right.  My personal favorite of the bunch, however, is the Bride.  Though I have absolutely no idea how she might grasp her little Hanzo sword.

The Elves of Iceland, a documentary project about exactly what it says on the tin.  It seems that one country in the modern world, at least, still takes the Hidden Folk seriously.  Of course, the more we know about the Lords and Ladies, the bigger our advantage will be when we go to work eradicating the last of those child-stealing milk-curdling soulless mind-enslaving monsters.  With any luck, this film will finally answer the question of whether modern tempered steel counts as “cold iron” for Gentry-killing purposes.  Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files novels say yes, but White Wolf’s Changeling: the Lost RPG (Hunterhearts represent!) says no.

The World is a strange place.  Let’s keep it that way.

Since my banner promises survival tips

Posted in Agressive cryptozoology with tags , , on February 17, 2009 by bradellison

There are many, many kinds of undead.  Vampires?  Brother, there are things classified as vampires in the folklore of virtually every culture on this Earth, and the methods of inhuming them vary widely.  Jade knives, running water, iron nails through the forehead…

Listen.  You think ramming a stake into a revenant’s chest will make it explode into powder like on TV?  When the Final Night descends upon us, Joss Whedon’s irresponsible fiction will surely be the cause of many deaths.  You may need a particular kind of wood for the stake.  You know how hard it is to penetrate the breastbone?  Accurately target the heart?  Forget what you saw in Pulp Fiction, for starters, because Uma Thurman’s character only survives because they miss the heart.  Are you prepared to deal with a rotten corpse with a stake through it?  Because that dust thing happens only because a) Dracula was centuries old, and that’s a lot of decay to catch up to a man all at once and he probably faked his own death anyway, and b) Joss Whedon wanted to neatly sidestep body-disposal issues in his teen superhero TV show.  Do you need to sever the head?  Can you sever the head?  The stake originated as a means of pinning the vampire to the earth, not destroying him.  Have you taken that into account?

And then there’s the Jiang Shi, and the Loogaroo, the Strix and the Old Hag  and Camazotz, the bhuta and the aswang and the penanggalan.  You think garlic can be relied upon to repulse a disembodied head trailing its entrails from its own neck stump?  Can you stake a thing that takes off its skin and becomes a ball of fire in the night?  What does a 17th-century Chinese aristocrat care for the crucifix or the Host?

That fancy Victorian vampire kit you just paid five thousand dollars for on eBay is gonna be worth doodly-squat when the Aztec Lord of Bats comes perching on your bed.  And it was probably a forgery anyway.

Luckily, there’s a simple way to dispatch almost anything.  A method nigh-universal across human civilization, the sure-fire effective last-ditch problem-solver that can put an end to all contagion.  And it’s cheap and easy to get.

Burn that mother to the ground.

Yes sir, there is virtually no undead creature, entity, or personage, or for that matter any dead creature, or alive creature, or never-born shambling vegetable horror or what have you, that cannot be thoroughly sorted out by a careful application of fire.  Reduce ’em to ash.  It will kill vampires.  It will kill werewolves.  It will kill witches.  It will probably kill wendigo. It will sever the bonds between spirits and this mortal plane. It will kill the hell out of mummies, since the mummification process basically reduces them to clean-burning fragrant tinder anyway.  Just ask the railway engineers who used to use them as fuel.  Okay, that one’s just a myth that started out as a Mark Twain joke, but by thunder, the point stands.

Yes, fire will kill just about anything, whether it was dead already or not.

Ditch the garlic rosaries and silver bullets.

Stock up on kerosene.